Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
the liver wants what the liver wants
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
