Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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