im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
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