Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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