New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
