i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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