Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
