that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
