I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
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