I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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