Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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