Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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