dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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