If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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