Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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