hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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