not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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