Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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