I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
