I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
