oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
