Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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