Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
