I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
