I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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