from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
