I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
