Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
