I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
We're too hungover to prance.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
