Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
