He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
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