im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
