I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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