My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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