i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He better not be in your backpack
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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