I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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