I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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