I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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