Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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