She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Rumble strips road head = magical
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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