love makes seman taste better
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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