My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
