dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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