why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
