I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
