and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
