your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
