Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
