I think my vagina is haunted
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
