You left your underwear on the fireplace
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
