you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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