i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
