He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
