remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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