I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
